In search of forever
by ZaraRiver
Summary: I've been looking for him for almost a year, and it's just my luck that I find him this way. Mello and Matt got into a fight causing Mello to leave. Matt searches for him for a long time and finally finds him. But somethings wrong. UNFINISHED. MATTO. Smuttish. Depressive. Etc. If you aren't ready for feels don't read it!


Matt POV:

Page 86 6/5

Waking up this morning I reached my hand to the left side of the bed. in search of his warm hand to hold, but in the end all my fingers grasped was the empty sheets. Emptiness was all I felt. He's gone and I can't fathom the thought of never seeing his beautiful eyes, that smile. the bit of hair that always falls in his eyes, again.

As I sit here writing this I feel nothing but pain and anger twisting at my insides, fighting in my brain, tearing at my heart, ripping out my soul. The memories get to hard for me to bear, to hard for me to stand at times, I still have yet to open the door to our old room, or the one to his study. When Nate stays over, either he stays in my room or on the couch. [Just depending on what er - mood we are in.]

I am no closer to finding him now than I was a week ago... TWO WEEKS ago. But I am closer than I was a month ago. He's just... Dropped off the map of existence, He's good at that, hiding from any threat - or even just someone he doesn't want to find him. I only wish that someone wasn't me, and even more so I was i had followed him...

It's all my fault, all of it. It was MY jealousy that pushed him away, sent him packing, made him leave my life. It has been exactly one year since that horrid day, the day he left, the day I didn't follow him, the day I just let him go. I don't know If I can do this anymore. This pretending to be fine for everyone [except Nate, he knows the truth] this hating myself and missing him. this lost hope.

I WILL FIND HIM. EVEN IF IT KILLS ME

{and there is a chance he will, he isn't too happy with me, and he wont hesitate to kill - again.}

Mello POV:

/Flashback:

When I get home all I see is darkness, at first I think no one is home, until I hear him in the other room .

"Fucking cock sucker son of a bitch! Get the fuck out of my way or I'm gonna blow your fucking head off! I will find the shit and blow it off I swear."

I chuckle and follow the profanity to the bed room, when I enter all I see is this fluff of red hair illuminated by the game he plays in the darkness. He plays so intently that he doesn't even notice me until I am right next to him, talking.

"Matty?" I say and he glances sideways just enough to see me for a moment and then his eyes are back on the screen. "Maaaaaatt." I whine practically a plea for his attention, something I never do.

"Yes?" he sighs out frustrated and pauses his game.

"I'm home." Comes out a bit more annoyed than I had wanted but I don't even care.

Slowly a smile comes across his face "Welcome home! How was the interview?" Shrug. "Good?" Shrug. "Bad?" Shrug. "Hey.." i look away so he can't see my face as it twists with pain and tears that fight to get out, I have never cried infront of him and I do not intend to start now. "Mell..." I squeeze my eyes shut to lock them in, "Mell, talk to me, what is it?" He says clasping my sides and pulling me into his lap and barricading me with his arms, with a shake of my head he tightens his arms. "Tell me." He demands.

"That fucking game! It's all you do anymore! All you ever want to do! Game. Food. Sleep. Fuck. Nothing else. You never want to - you never want to spend time with me anymore! We haven't fucking gone out together for more than the damn mail in almost two fucking months, and if you aren't going to 'entertain' the - sentimental - side of me i'm going to have to fucking find that somewhere else and I wont even blink twice about it!" I shout at him prying his arms off of me and jumping off his lap slamming my hand violently across my face to keep the tears from falling down my cheeks.

He shuts his eyes, blinking a few times, astounded. I never show anyone this side of me, not even him, my best friend, my lover, the love of my life, not him. "you're right, It's just, there's this part I can't get past, I finally found a game that challenges me and I can't figure it out. I'm overlooking something... I - I'm sorry Mellys..."

For a second I think, I try and think of ways to fix this, after glancing at the screen and then the controls, I know what to do. "Can I try?" I say, softening my voice and forcing a sweet innocent smile.

"If I can't get past it how can y- Sure." I know what he was going to say, I know he doubts me, he doesn't think I can do it.

I eye him, "how about this, If I get past this, you can't play for a week" he opens his mouth to protest but shuts it again when he remembers my mood, " And If I don't I'll go to bed now, and I will leave you alone about it until you finish not only this game, but the next one as well. "

"Just this game?" His eyes flash with fear, serious fear.

"All of them." I say without pause.

"No way!" I frown and glance down. "Dammit Mello why are you so cute?! Fine! I'll do it, but start now before I change my mind!" He thrusts the remote into my hand and motions for me to sit back in his lap.

"And no cheating." I shout as I hit unpause.

"How can I cheat when you're the one playing?!" He says as he kisses my shoulder.

"Like that. I say and squirm away from the touch of his lips.

Ten minutes later Matt's lying on the floor staring up at the ceiling almost crying. I got past it, and he just can't believe it.

I pounce on him from the game chair and kiss his collar bone, "Matty."

"Yes?" He asks still dazed with amazement.

"I win!" I say with a huge grin.

"I noticed."

"Wanna know how?" I whisper in his ear and he nods, "I played this with Kylie."

His eyes open wide and he stares at me with horror in his face "THAT'S CHEATING!"

"Nope." I say stubbornly.

"Yes it is!"

I shake my head no just as he's rapidly nodding his yes. "I said I could pass it, I didn't add "again" and I didn't say I'd never played it."

"That's not faiiiiir" He whines.

I kiss his nose and press my forehead to his "Hey, you don't have to quit the games , Just go out with me tomorrow?"

"Yes I do, a deals a deal. And of course I will. I love you" he whispers into my shoulder\\.

Page 87 6/7

The last few days have been nothing but a search, I haven't slept, I don't think I've ate, but that's normal as you well know. After all this time I finally found something. He's slipped up, or maybe, doubtful, he wants to be found. He used a name that I used once to get his attention, Micheal Oliver, I called him Micheal because of the fact that it pissed him off for people to miss-pronounce his name. So I used to tease him about it, and he'd throw things, one time, he threw the olives from his diner plate - he hates the taste so they wouldn't have been eaten anyway. He used it to buy a ticket to Russia, a couple weeks back. I should have known to check there, I mean it's Mell.. He's Russian, where else is he going to go? Today, I'm leaving to find him.

MattPOV:

I put the journal in an old leather box covered in carvings, this box holds my research, my letters I couldn't send, some of our pictures, our memories, my love... I keep it under my bed and close to my heart as I sleep. Today I do not return it to it's place, I leave it on my desk ready to be packed, ready for a long journey. A journey from this apartment to a beaten motel. A journey to find the one I love.

For the first time in a year I enter the room. Our room. The lights take a moment to flick on seeing as they have been out for so long, Nothing has changed, how could it? This room has had no life. Not since before he left... I don't know why I expected things to be different, like maybe he has been here just, hiding from me the entire time. I guess I was holding out hope that one day he would break in and I would find this door open. I would enter this room and see his cute blonde head poking out from the covers (because he hates his face under the covers as he sleeps, he feels like he'll suffocate.) My eyes begin to water and my knees give out, I sit there on the ground crying, crying until I can't anymore, until no more tears will come out, and then I sit there, silent, unmoving, dead, until I have to move.

At 3:30 I make myself get up and go to the closet, Pack my bags, and with one last glace around I close the do and I leave.

"I love you Mells. I'm coming for you. I'm doing the thing I should have done a long time ago."

On the front door I pin a note to anyone who may come by it reads:

To whoever shows up, I am out.

Apartment ,

I have left town, I am sorry for not informing you as per agreement, but it fell in my lap just 14 short hours ago (as of writing this) Please keep the maid paid and coming, I will pay all dues when I return. I have taken the hide-a-key please do not allow anyone but the maid access, she has her own so there should be no problem, thank you.

Maid,

Please speak with Mr. Jones for your payment he will be her friday the 16th. As you well know The back middle room, with the locked door, is off limits, it still is in no need of cleaning. I was in there just today, it is perfectly fine.

Jenny,

I am sorry for leaving on no notice, I think I may have found him. Do not call my cell, I got a disposable one and turned mine off, I will call at a later date to let you know I am safe.

Nate,

You knew this day will would come, but so soon? You thought you would have time to win me over, as you have said many times. I am sorry you didn't and.. Uhm.. Maybe you should leave town, until I come home at least, If I find him and he finds out about what we had. have. had. hav- he will not act too kindly and I would not like to see you get hurt.

Melly...

If you come home by some off chance luck, I went to find you. Micheal O. Jenny will have contact info... Please... don't leave again without talking to me. I miss you, I love you, and most importantly I am sorry for my idiocy.

MelloPOV

/Flashback:

This coffee shop is crowded beyond belief, I found the only empty table and sat at it, pulled out my laptop and started to work. About twenty minutes of sitting at the computer drinking cocoa (I hate coffee. Most people don't know that, so does Matt.)

"Can I sit here?" He asks motioning to the empty seat across from me, "there is seriously no whee else."

I stare up at him for a moment, taking him in , he has sweet looking almost black-brown hair that he's cut a little longer than normal but still shorter than mine. His eyes are a great grey-ish brown color that most hate but I find cute. "Sure," I say ad slide my hand to the screen of my lap top pushing it toward the keys to close it "I was about to leave anyway."

His hand flies to mine "No! Don't leave on my account, I wont bother you, you seem rather busy..You kinda look like you were gonna be here a while" he nods to my computer cord and my mostly full cup of cocoa.

I put a tight smile of my face that I honestly hope looks real, "yeah... I can't go home now anyway..."

He sets his coffee down a long with his doughnut "Why not?"

I shake my head but the way he looks at me - like he can read me, he urges me to talk "Fight with the boyfriend" More than just a fight, I did something I haven't done in years. I can't believe I did... I always hated hurting him/ I just couldn't take it, his accusations, they hurt me mentally, and without thinking I physically hurt him.

The last word gets a smile from him like he was excited I like guys.

He points to himself "Perfect stranger, doesn't even know your name, wanna talk about it?" After some coaxing I finally talk, and talk, and talk. After about two hours were told they're closing and we have to leave. when we walk out we're laughing like old friends.

"Can I get your number?" He asks "Uhm..Incase we need to talk.." He backtracks.

"sure I write it on a napkin and just as I go to give it to him I see it. A red fluff of hair, hair that I would know anywhere. "Matty." He stares at me in awe and his face turns to disgust. "Matt no! It's not like that! I have to go" I shout at the guy as i run towards matt./

Page 89 6/8

I layed my head back and slept most the flight here, and now I'm sitting at a Russian coffee shop just a mile from the apartment and all it is is a reminder of the night. The night my jealousy climbed and my trust descended. The night that brought me here. Micheal Oliver's trail ends here, just a mile away. Walking distance. He used the name for an apartment. But i can't make myself go to it,what if he's not there? What if Micheal Oliver is a real person?what if I cam all this way for nothing? But the thing trully holding me back is three question.

1) What if he is here, but he sends me away?

2) What if he's found someone else and forgot me?

3) What if he hates me?


End file.
